I spent the last 2 weeks in Vancouver. I could go on and on about the 2 weeks there, but that’s not what this post is for.

A good portion of my closest friends are photographers. So it’s inevitable at some point I’m going to be in front of the camera rather than behind it. For a long time I fought this. No no no. No need for photos of me. But really I was insecure. I had no love for myself. And anytime I saw myself, in a photo, in a mirror, a reflection, I would tear myself down. Piece by piece. Starting with physical features. How round my shoulders are. How “big” I was in certain areas. How flat my hair was. But piece by piece I would get deeper and deeper. I’d begin doubting my character. What I was capable of. What I deserved. My own self-worth. I just saw faults and flaws. And always as negatives.

Last week my friend, Laura, came to visit me in West Van. We’ve been working on her business, who she is, what she wants to stand for and how to build her business around that. The rain poured down and we warmed up over americanos and cinnamon buns. Talking and brainstorming away the morning. And then we finally headed out into the rain for lunch, with a plan to maybe explore Lighthouse Park afterwards. I grabbed my camera. No big deal. We’re photographers we take them everywhere. But really I had a plan. Laura once told me that she thought umbrellas were unnecessary items. She lives in the Pacific Northwest. Hi, rain. But, they’re unnecessary because they get in the way when you dance in the rain. And rain is meant to be danced in. I thought I was gonna be sneaky and bring my camera along in the park for you know photos of the beauty of North Van 😉 But really I wanted to photograph her dancing in the rain.

We parked in the parking lot and Laura grabbed my camera and put in her purse which is also a camera bag as I was in the back of the car. We then ventured through the forest and reached rocks on the ocean, just as the rain was letting up. I dropped my vest as we climbed up thinking Laura will put her bag down too and we’ll check out the edge and I’d go back for my camera when the rain comes back. I walked to the edge and glanced out for a moment and turned around to Laura photographing ME.

I instantly clammed up. I didn’t know what to do. Laura had stepped back quietly, in a way that almost felt disconnected. Letting me just be me and she’d capture it. I always have this idea of what I would like to see in an image of me. And truly it’s just me being my ridiculous self. But there is this fear that when I see it back, what if I don’t like me. I looked down at my boots and realized that idea was crap. I own who I am. This loud, ridiculous woman, full of life, and laughter, with those brief quiet moments. How could I ever not like that. I took a deep breath and walked back to our stuff on the rocks and took my socks and boots off.

For me, barefeet is raw. It’s real. It’s comfortability in my own skin. And if I was going to let Laura photograph me….. this is me. And I let loose. Laura quietly giggling and sighing behind the camera. Saying,  “Do that again!” I embraced the things I thought were ridiculous about me. Things I once called flaws, in a negative way.

I detoured saying we needed an instagram selfie of us on the cliffs and then had every intention of photographing Laura after that. In the same way she had just photographed me. Although tragedy happened during the self-timered selfie and my phone went swimming in salty ocean water. Which led to a lot of laughter and a much quicker departure from the park.

Later that night as my phone slept in a homemade rice sleeping bag. I uploaded the card in my camera. And rather than see myself and pick apart everything. I loved the woman I was looking at. She doesn’t let being dealt a shitty hand take her out of the whole game. She decides what she wants and goes after it. She understands failure isn’t something to be feared. It’s another learning opportunity. She is chaotically organized. That’s a real thing. She has curves. Hair that can’t keep volume. And some of her teeth are crooked. She still smiles anyway. I love her. Where she’s been. Where she is. And, where she’s going. Her journey.

It’s my journey.

I am completely imperfect. And I’m inescapably flawed. It’s taken me a while to realize it, but THAT is what makes me beautiful. Same for you. It’s this that makes us each our own. If you can accept that. Own that. You can unapologetically be you. And love yourself as you are. From there, I think you are unstoppable.

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you, Laura. You’ve photographed me, just as me. I love every. single. photo. And you. Especially for helping me…. see me. Check out Laura & her work on Facebook!

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