This summer I took a little mini vacation with a close friend to a little cabin, on a lake, on an island outside Seattle. I just like the sound of that…

a cabin

on a lake

on an island.

Sounds so fancy. It’s really not. It’s cute, quaint, cozy and the most perfect getaway place. So perfect in fact that I went twice this last summer. And I’m going back tomorrow 🙂

But on this first trip a close friend and I had this discussion. Not an argument. A discussion… clouded with emotion. I know that kinda sounds like maybe an argument but it I assure you it was not an argument. At one point in the conversation he looked at me and said…

“I just feel like every time I’m with you we’re constantly rushing!”

Now I’ve learned throughout my life that my mouth can get me into SO much trouble. So, I’ve taught myself to have this inner monologue and keep it in my head unless it’s necessary. I succeed at this maybe 80% of the time. But, as he said this the first line in my inner monologue was “well yea, I’m a bit impulsive! Do you not know this?! We’ve known each other for a very long time!”

I kept that to myself though and let that awkward silence happen at the end of his comment. Which it didn’t end up lasting long, or end up that awkward, and he followed that comment up with

“And it’s stressful”

Inner monologue – “yea it actually is! Wait… did I just agree with him?”

I’m fairly certain I gave him the deer in the headlights look then. Whatever it was at the moment it hit me. Be it just the timing, hearing it coming from him, the tone in his voice… I. Don’t. Know. But, it struck me. Hard. And, he was so very right.

The first half of 2015 was filled with high anxiety for me. I couldn’t figure it out. I didn’t want to call it stress as there was nothing stressful happening. But I knew it was a form of stress. I’ve decided to call it hidden stress. I began to worry about things and I’m normally not much of a worrier. Sometimes even creating scenarios into something much bigger than they were to make me worry so then I at least had an excuse for the anxiety. And, I was overflowing with self-doubt, in every area of my life.

On that summer day, in the kitchen of this cabin, on a lake, on an island, he pegged exactly what it was. It struck me so hard I very vaguely remember the end of our discussion other than it ended quickly after that and I reclused to the bedroom to curl up under the covers, you know where it’s safe, even though it was 11am and I’m REAL close to 30 years old. The blankets are always a safe place! 😉

I’m impulsive. At times to a fault. I don’t know if it’s hereditary, as my father was so impulsive, or that in his life, and in his death, he taught me life is short and to act now.  Whatever it is, I am what I am. Impulsive. This was something people close to me and to my father have often made comments about in a negative way. I grew up thinking this was something bad about me. However in my adult life I’ve come to own it and to celebrate it. In the last couple years I’ve really declared it to the world. But a crazy thing happens when you declare something about yourself to the world –

You become more of it.

And I did. To an extreme. Without fully understanding quick action or how to use it best. And what resulted was decide and conquer… NOW! I don’t know when it exactly started or how but, it snowballed. Yes some things require a decision and action quickly but most things do not. Even when I say I’m considering something, I’ve actually made up my mind. I’ve decided.

And, that is what impulsive means – deciding quickly and confidently.

It doesn’t mean it must be done right this second. That’s where I went wrong. Decide. Do. NEXT!

Rush, rush, rush.

That’s so exhausting. And stressful. Gosh he was so right!!!

That day in June it slapped me in the face. But once you start doing something regularly for a while it becomes a habit and we all know it’s difficult to change habits. Fortunately, we spent several more days together so I had to actively work on deciding, but not pushing, so I didn’t cause undue stress on him, or even myself. But I continued this practice in the following weeks (and I still have to continue it now) and I’ve felt the stress and anxiety just roll off my back. I see a happy me again.

It’s okay to browse the store, it doesn’t have to always be point a to point b. It’s ok to decide on an activity and say we should do it later and make a little plan for it. I’ve always said, and still say, I’m not a planner but my gosh I realize how much more relaxed I am with a simple plan. Details forget that. Outline… that’s where it’s at 😉

I’m still as impulsive as ever. But with some help I’ve learned a solid lesson –

Impulsiveness does not equal rushing.

Once again, life is a work in progress. May it always be. And may I always, ultimately, progress forward.

 

 

 

*Photos by Meg Courtney!*

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